I Died, But I Didn’t Go To Heaven

I died the day my wife died on 6 August 2012.  On that day, at just shortly after noon, she died and along with her death, I felt as though I’d personally died also.  We’d been happily married for over 52 years and we had three beautiful sons, many grandchildren, and even a couple of great grandchildren to show for it.  For nearly 52 years, we were one and we did everything together.  It was as about a perfect a marriage as one could hope for.  We went through alot together over the years and unfortunately, although she had many medical issues, it was gangrene that finally took her life.  Taking care of my wife during the last few years was very, very hard at times, but I never complained, and personally feel that I’d be more than willing to continue on forever, or as long as I could.

However, no matter what I wanted to do or planned to do, my life ended on 6 August 2012. I believe that my wife went to Heaven and I thought that I would go right along with her, but I soon discovered that, although she was gone, that I was still here and I was still alive.  As more time went by, I fully realized that I, indeed, was still on earth, but I didn’t feel like I was alive!  Half of me died that day in the hospital.  For the first few months, I believed that I would forever be depressed and would only come out of my state of sadness when I joined my wife in Heaven.  One day, as I was feeling very sad, I got to thinking about myself, about my life, my future, and what I would do in the coming years until I actually joined back up with her.  I couldn’t envision myself still being that sad until I finally died.  How long I’d have to live, I had no idea, but I began to feel like my life might not be quite over yet, even though at first, I did.  However, I’d read where people who’d lost their spouses, or loved ones, never got over the loss and lived by themselves in a state of sadness, which is depression, for the rest of their lives.  I am realistic and thought what if I’m like they are for the rest of my life.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I could possibly continue life on earth without my wife and all by myself.  If I was going to do that though, then I thought that I should try to decide how I was going to live my life.  There were many possibilities, but it really boiled down to just two choices – I could live happily forever by myself or be open to living happily with someone else should the opportunity ever present itself!  The first choice was the easiest to accept, however, I got to thinking about what my wife and I had talked about over the years.  We’d told each other that should something happen to one of us that we wanted the other to be happy and to find someone else to be happy with.  When we told each other that though, it seemed like we were discussing something that would never happen!  Then, when I actually faced that situation, it was entirely different and I wasn’t sure if I could follow through with “our” wishes.

The more I thought about it, the more I believed that my wife was right, we were both right, and that I should try to abide with her wish.  If I truly put my mind to it, I believed that I could possibly live again and live happily with someone else and, simultaneously, with my wife’s memory.

From that day on, I’ve been a changed person and started to believe that I can have a continuing life on earth and be happy while I’m doing it.  At about that time, I started realizing that I could help myself and I could possibly help other people by being positive and showing others that life after death was possible.  I’ve gotten a job at Walmart and I fully enjoy making people there smile, both fellow associates and customers!  And, I’ve started writing a daily inspirational essay which I put on Facebook and in my Online Hearing Loss Store at http://www.bestassistedlivingaids.com/daily_stanism.htm.

I hope that you and everyone enjoys my blog and my Daily Stanism and most importantly I hope that they help you cope with life.  Believe it or not, they help me just as much as they help other people.  My life has become richer once again and I have come to believe that I could live happily with someone else!  I’ve also come to believe that life is very precious and much more fragile than we sometimes think.

So, in closing, I’d like to say that I didn’t die and go to Heaven on 6 August 2012, but my wife did, and I’ll keep her memories with me till I join her again someday.  And, if I should find someone else to live with, then she’ll join me and my wife in Heaven too.  I hope that everyone appreciates what they have and who they have it with.  Few things in life are worth losing and a loved one is definitely not one of them.

Thanks for reading,
Stan

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2 thoughts on “I Died, But I Didn’t Go To Heaven

  1. I had to blow my nose and wipe my eyes before I started this post…don’t quite know what to say right now but that was sooo powerful and insightful and beautiful..you are so good with words and putting down your thoughts..linda would have loved it and to know that you were able to pull yourself out of your depression and gotten to such a healthy outlook on life now would have made her so proud of you and the fact that you are an inspiration to all of us who know you and how much you help everyone with your daily inspirations would have made her happy..you two were and amazing couple and now she has helped you help others..linda would NOT have wanted you to stay alone and sad and may God bring a woman into your life now that will bring some joy and happiness to your heart as you keep on traveling through lifes journey so that the smile on your face will continue to inspire us all…love you with all my heart and can’t wait for tomorrows post.

    • Vivien, Thank you for your beautiful words! Now, you have me crying! I love you with all my heart also. I’m sorry, please forgive me, but I’m having trouble writing through the tears. Your comments and your love mean an awful lot to me. Love, Dad

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