The Day My World Started Moving Again

My wife passed away on 6 August 2012 and on that day not only did she pass away, but for me my world stopped moving! I stopped living and I might as well have passed away with her! For the first few months, I felt very sad and lost. We’d done everything together for nearly 52 years and suddenly I was all by myself. There I was in an empty house with only my son who had been living with us and helping me take care of my wife. He was still there, but for me, I was all alone. My son might have helped me some, but he was not the same as my wife. I couldn’t talk to him about things like I could my wife. We had an intimacy and a relationship that went beyond just companionship and a normal marriage. We had a closeness that was as about as close as two people could get. We did everything together and we told each other everything! We had no secrets, we had nothing to hide! I was her and she was me!

So, on that day in August, 2012, I lost my wife and I lost my life. I didn’t feel like doing anything; I didn’t feel like living! I felt that way for at least three or four months and during that time I jumped in and did things like a madman – I cooked, I baked, I made wine, I made beer, I cleaned, I hiked, I jogged, I kept so busy that I couldn’t hardly keep up with myself. All the keeping busy helped, but I was still all by myself and I was still sad!

One day, I decided to have a talk with myself and see where I was and where I was going. I really believed that someday in the future, I’d get over being sad and that, like I’d read, I’d get to the point of actually being happy again. The conversation went something like this.

“How long will it take for me to be happy again?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but I’ve heard that it usually does work that way!”
“Am I looking at a few years down the road?”
“Actually, I don’t know, but very likely a few years!”
“Well, if you’re going to someday be happy again, why wait?” I asked.
“What choice do I have?”
“You can wait until happiness hopefully finds you again or you can start, right now trying to find happiness!”
“How can I possibly find happiness right now, when I just lost half of me and feel like I can’t go on with half of me missing?”
“There are ways to do it, but you have to quit thinking 24/7 about your wife and how much you miss her!” I told myself.
“How can I possibly just turn off those feelings? That would be impossible and I’d feel like I abandoned her!”
“Would you feel that way in a few years from now?” I asked.
“That would be different!”
“Why?”
“Well, for one thing, I would have a few years to get used to being alone!” I answered. “I would be able to learn to get along without her!”
“You mean you could learn to get along without her in a few years, but you can’t do it now?”
“That’s right! It takes years to get over grief and I’ve just began! Give me time!” I pleaded.
“If you really want to get over the grief and you don’t want to wait for years, you can do something about it!”
“Really? What could I possibly do to speed the process up?” I asked curiously.
“You can start by accepting the fact that your wife really is gone, just like when a pet dies, and you can make a conscience effort to stop constantly thinking about her.”
“But, how can I just stop thinking about her?” I asked.
“It will take lots of work, but it can be done! It’s basically your choice; you can do it now or you can wait years for it to hopefully happen!”
“Well, I don’t really want to wait years, so I am willing to give it a try and see if I really can do it!” I answered, but wasn’t exactly sure about it.

That was the beginning of my getting away from the sadness and starting to live again. I was surprised that I could actually go about the day and not think about my wife. At first, it took a lot of effort and I felt guilty, but then it got easier and I began to feel less guilty and began to feel that I was doing the right thing. I was actually beginning to live again, just like my wife and I had said we should if something ever happened to one of us.

I started to wonder if other people could do the same thing? I don’t know, because I truthfully didn’t think that I could do it. They would have to want to do it and then give it a try, just like I did. All I can say is, that if they can do it, then they will feel much, much better! It worked for me and I hope that it can work for them.

Although my world started moving for me again, a small part of my past will forever be embedded in me and that part will never move. I can live with that; the important thing is that the rest of my world is moving on. I’m once again able to face the future, and I’m happy that I don’t have to wait for the future to be able to do that! To me, a future with a future is better than no future at all, which is what I had a very few months ago!

Today, I’m alive and my world is moving once again! If you want to follow my daily essays about life and living, you can find them in my online store at http://www.bestassistedlivingaids.com/daily_stanism.htm.

Thanks for reading!
Stan

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I Died, But I Didn’t Go To Heaven

I died the day my wife died on 6 August 2012.  On that day, at just shortly after noon, she died and along with her death, I felt as though I’d personally died also.  We’d been happily married for over 52 years and we had three beautiful sons, many grandchildren, and even a couple of great grandchildren to show for it.  For nearly 52 years, we were one and we did everything together.  It was as about a perfect a marriage as one could hope for.  We went through alot together over the years and unfortunately, although she had many medical issues, it was gangrene that finally took her life.  Taking care of my wife during the last few years was very, very hard at times, but I never complained, and personally feel that I’d be more than willing to continue on forever, or as long as I could.

However, no matter what I wanted to do or planned to do, my life ended on 6 August 2012. I believe that my wife went to Heaven and I thought that I would go right along with her, but I soon discovered that, although she was gone, that I was still here and I was still alive.  As more time went by, I fully realized that I, indeed, was still on earth, but I didn’t feel like I was alive!  Half of me died that day in the hospital.  For the first few months, I believed that I would forever be depressed and would only come out of my state of sadness when I joined my wife in Heaven.  One day, as I was feeling very sad, I got to thinking about myself, about my life, my future, and what I would do in the coming years until I actually joined back up with her.  I couldn’t envision myself still being that sad until I finally died.  How long I’d have to live, I had no idea, but I began to feel like my life might not be quite over yet, even though at first, I did.  However, I’d read where people who’d lost their spouses, or loved ones, never got over the loss and lived by themselves in a state of sadness, which is depression, for the rest of their lives.  I am realistic and thought what if I’m like they are for the rest of my life.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I could possibly continue life on earth without my wife and all by myself.  If I was going to do that though, then I thought that I should try to decide how I was going to live my life.  There were many possibilities, but it really boiled down to just two choices – I could live happily forever by myself or be open to living happily with someone else should the opportunity ever present itself!  The first choice was the easiest to accept, however, I got to thinking about what my wife and I had talked about over the years.  We’d told each other that should something happen to one of us that we wanted the other to be happy and to find someone else to be happy with.  When we told each other that though, it seemed like we were discussing something that would never happen!  Then, when I actually faced that situation, it was entirely different and I wasn’t sure if I could follow through with “our” wishes.

The more I thought about it, the more I believed that my wife was right, we were both right, and that I should try to abide with her wish.  If I truly put my mind to it, I believed that I could possibly live again and live happily with someone else and, simultaneously, with my wife’s memory.

From that day on, I’ve been a changed person and started to believe that I can have a continuing life on earth and be happy while I’m doing it.  At about that time, I started realizing that I could help myself and I could possibly help other people by being positive and showing others that life after death was possible.  I’ve gotten a job at Walmart and I fully enjoy making people there smile, both fellow associates and customers!  And, I’ve started writing a daily inspirational essay which I put on Facebook and in my Online Hearing Loss Store at http://www.bestassistedlivingaids.com/daily_stanism.htm.

I hope that you and everyone enjoys my blog and my Daily Stanism and most importantly I hope that they help you cope with life.  Believe it or not, they help me just as much as they help other people.  My life has become richer once again and I have come to believe that I could live happily with someone else!  I’ve also come to believe that life is very precious and much more fragile than we sometimes think.

So, in closing, I’d like to say that I didn’t die and go to Heaven on 6 August 2012, but my wife did, and I’ll keep her memories with me till I join her again someday.  And, if I should find someone else to live with, then she’ll join me and my wife in Heaven too.  I hope that everyone appreciates what they have and who they have it with.  Few things in life are worth losing and a loved one is definitely not one of them.

Thanks for reading,
Stan

Are You Alive or is it only an Illusion?

Life doesn’t always go the way we’d like it to. Sometimes, plans change and our life changes. People that we love, sometimes more than one, die and we are faced with moving on without them. To lose a loved one is one of the most terrible things that can happen in life. When that happens, we must make choices and we should think about a few things before making those choices.

There are three places in life that we each face at any given moment – Yesterday, Right Now (Today), and Tomorrow! No matter how much we loved yesterday, it is gone and it will be forever, but all the memories will live on forever! That’s the beauty of life, people die, but people also still live and for every person that dies a new child is born. Right Now, is with us today and will be till the clock strikes midnight and signals that the day has come to an end. Today, while it’s still with us, we can dream! When tomorrow comes, those dreams can become real and they can give us something to look forward to in the tomorrows to come. It’s one thing to dream, but we also have to be ready and willing to accept the future what is represented in those dreams.

When the one, or one’s, we love die, then we lose everything, or do we? The answer is no, we don’t lose everything, we just at that moment believe we do, because it can feel like it. The tomorrows that we dream about today have the potential to bring us new love and a new life that is as good as or even sometimes better than the one we had. It’s very difficult to imagine a life with anyone that could be better, but it is possible and, believe it or not, it does happen.

When looking at the future, we need to look back, way back, at the past. Back before we met the one we loved, did we know that they existed? Most of the time the answer is no. Before we knew that they existed, we probably dreamed and we may have dreamed of a better life, especially if we were single. The key point is that we didn’t know that they existed!

We need to think about that for a moment! If we didn’t know that our loved one existed then, how can we possibly know that a new one won’t exist in our future. The answer is, we can’t. The good news is that the future could hold a beautiful life that today we can only dream about. The bad news is that unless we dream and are willing to allow those dreams to become real, we’ll never know. Those beautiful dreams might die, just like the loved one that we lost.

So, for today, at this moment in time, we should dream of beautiful tomorrow’s. They can lie in our future and we should try to see if they exist! The only way to do that is to make sure we complete our todays and travel to our tomorrows with an open mind! We have the choice of whether to continue living or to just hang on as an illusion! I hope you choose life!

Thanks for reading and I truly hope that all your dreams come true!

Stan

PS. You can receive free daily inspirational essays at http://www.bestassistedlivingaids.com/daily_stanism.htm.

Along Comes An Alligator

Just when you think you’ve seen it all and you think everything is going great, something can appear out of nowhere and bite you. My wife and I were retired and we were enjoying life to its fullest. Sure my wife had many health problems, with diabetes, kidney failure, COPD, neuropathy, and congestive heart failure. However, for us, life was still going great and we were looking forward to future travels and visits with children, grandchildren, and friends.

Then, out of the clear blue Oregon sky, my wife got two ulcers on the toes of her left foot. The ulcers didn’t clear up very quickly because of poor blood flow and Angioplasti was successfully performed.  Then, just as the two ulcers begin healing, my wife broke the same foot at the ankle.

A short time after she broke her foot, ulcers formed at where the ankle break occured and then those ulcers turned to gangrene.  Then, within two weeks, she was admitted into the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) at the hospital in Eugene, Oregon.  The gangrene didn’t respond to antibiotics and a doctor said he needed to amputate her left foot just above the ankle.  He told us that he hated to do it, but he said that he really had no choice because the gangrene would kill her in a couple days if he didn’t.  We believed we didn’t have much choice either so we both told him to go ahead.  He amputated her foot and a couple days later, her vital signs stabilized enough that they moved her to a regular hospital room.  At that point, we were starting to feel a little relief.

The doctor they assigned to my wife, said after a day in the regular room, that it looked like she could probably go home in a few days and start getting ready for a trip we had planned to the Oregon coast for a week with our family.  The coast trip was something my wife and I had been eagerly looking forward to for nearly a year.

The next day, things took a turn for the worse and the same doctor said, your wife’s heart has failed and there is nothing we can do.  I was asked to sign papers, which I did, allowing them to give her morphine to help her with pain during her final hours.  The next day, just after noon, she passed away.

So, out of that beautiful clear blue Oregon sky, an aggressive Alligator had reared up and with one snap of its powerful jaws it took my beautiful wife of nearly 52 years away from me.

It’s been three months today since my wife passed away and I’ve kept myself very busy.  Keeping busy has helped, but the pain of losing my wife has, so far, not diminished.  Unfortunately, as humans, we many times come face-to-face with an Alligator and when we do, the outcome is not always pleasant!  Sometimes, if we’re lucky, the Alligator isn’t very aggressive and it only gives us a scare!

I hope you have a nice day and that you don’t have any unpleasant encounters with an Alligator!

Thanks for reading,
Stan
www.bestassitedlivingaids.com